One Last Try
by Lady Callista
Summary: After a 'Dear John' letter from Mark leaves Kathryn feeling more alone than ever, she allows herself to take comfort briefly in the arms of her handsome first officer. But will her fear of being in love again cause her to ruin everything? (A "Hunters" and aftermath J/C story.)
1. Heart

Disclaimer: Star Trek Voyager belongs to Paramount, the writers, and whoever else can legally claim it. "Hunters" was written by Jeri Taylor, and no copywrite infringement is intended by the scenes I've quoted; quotes and summaries are used only for reference as to where in the timeline events in this story take place. I am making no profit from this. But I'm getting happier characters and fans.

AN: This started as a 25 Moments scene for "Hunters," as one of the scenes I always wanted to see was Chakotay telling Kathryn about his letter, and a longer talk between them about hers. It soon grew much too long for a short story, so I tossed in a few more elements and developed an actual plot. We begin a little bit before "Hunters" starts. I obviously didn't want to put all of "Hunters" in this fic, so the episode is mostly summarized and events referred to. Two conversation between J & C are lifted directly from the episode, because I needed to extrapolate on their feelings during them for future events to work out. I've never taken full scenes from an episode like this before, hopefully it won't make things too boring for everyone. And hopefully everyone remembers the episode well enough that this won't be too confusing. This is, of course, another J/C fic.

* * *

One Last Try

By Lady Callista

_=/\=_

"_Love is missing someone whenever you're apart, but somehow feeling warm inside because you're close in heart." -Kay Knudsen_

_=/\=_

Chapter 1: Heart

=/\=

_Dear Mom,_

_I feel like I should have a thousand things to say, but other than that I love you and Phoebe, and miss you both so very much, I really don't know where to start._

_By now I'm sure Starfleet has told you that Voyager wasn't destroyed as everyone came to believe. But we were definitely lost just the same._

_I've been trying so hard to get home to you, and I've got a great crew helping me do it, but 70,000 light-years is a long way. Sometimes at night, I just lay in my bed looking out at the stars, and I remember doing the same when I was little, and how you or daddy would…_

Kathryn stopped reading with a jolt, head snapping up as the door to her quarters chimed. She took a second to compose for face before calling out, "Come in."

"I thought we were going to go over that together, tomorrow." Chakotay flashed her a smile as he set the bottle of wine he carried on her table.

"Sorry?" She said from the couch, deactivating the PADD and setting it on the coffee table.

"That's not the crew evaluations?" He tilted his head, moving over towards her as he noticed that she seemed to be upset.

"No, it's uh… it's the letter I wrote to my mother a few weeks ago." She tried to keep her voice casual but knew she didn't succeed. "I found it in a stack of PADDs when I was looking for an engineering report. I should have just deleted it."

Chakotay gave her a gentle smile as he crossed to sit beside her. "My letter to Sekaya is sitting on the table next to my bed, just in case I ever get a chance to send it."

"What did you say to her?" Kathryn wanted to know.

"Oh, you know, hey I'm alive and not in prison." He forced a chuckle, not wanting to tell her that a full, long paragraph had been about her.

She managed a smile. "That's pretty much how my letter to my mom started, although it was, hey, I'm alive and I miss you. Did you write to anyone but your sister?"

Chakotay shook his head, a tinge of sadness coming to his eyes. "I don't really have anyone else to write to. Pretty much all of my friends were in the Maquis, and I doubt Starfleet would deliver those letters even if they knew where to find them. You?"

"No." She said softly, her own eyes growing introspective. "There was another one I was going to write, but I never got around to it, and once we lost the chance to send them it didn't seem to matter."

"Your fiancé?" He asked gently, ignoring the clenching of his heart. It wasn't like he didn't know she was engaged, but in the day to day swing of things he didn't think about it, especially since even before the Doctor had come back they had all known they were likely declared dead, and it was doubtful significant others would still be waiting for them once they got home.

Kathryn nodded, touching his knee briefly before getting up and crossing to the table to open the bottle of wine and pour them each a glass. "It was just so hard to write mom's letter. I mean, other than hey we're alive, what do we say? She doesn't know any of the people on the ship other than Tuvok, so it's not like I can really tell her stories about people, and I don't want to scare her by listing all the dangers we've run into out here. So I told her I was alive, and that I missed her and loved her, and then got stuck. I wrote a little about memories from when I was little, things I think about when I'm sad or lonely out here, but I never even finished the letter."

"I told Sekaya some about the people here, about my friends, but I know what you mean. She's probably thought for years now that I was dead, and now she finds out I'm alive, but so far away and still not able to talk to her or be there for her if she needs me." Chakotay accepted the glass of wine she offered as she returned to her seat beside him.

"To our families." Kathryn gave him a small smile as she raised her glass.

"To Gretchen and Phoebe." He returned the smile.

"And Sekaya."

They had each just taken a sip when they were interrupted by Harry's voice over the comm system. "All senior officers report to the bridge."

"Janeway to Bridge." Kathryn snapped at once as her and Chakotay rose from the couch.

"Bridge here, Captain." Harry replied in an excited voice, reporting without waiting for her obvious question. "We're receiving a communiqué from an unknown source. And Captain, it's on a Starfleet frequency."

"I'm on my way." Kathryn replied, sharing a curious and at the same time hopeful glance with Chakotay as they left her quarters and strode rapidly down the corridor towards the turbolift.

Her first thought was that Starfleet Command had somehow found a way to contact them, and although there were multiple other possibilities, she couldn't help but let herself hope as they entered the turbolift.

"Bridge."

=/\=

_Captain's Log, Stardate 51501.4. After two days at high warp, we're close enough to the relay station to see it on long-range visual sensors. Although it's too soon yet to get our hopes up, the optimism that Starfleet has found a way to get us home has spread through the crew faster than a plasma fire, and as a result spirits are high. I pray that this won't turn out to be yet another disappointment._

Sitting alone in her ready room, Kathryn pulled up the log she had made hours ago, staring at the last sentence as more thoughts than she could count whirled through her mind.

Her gaze kept flickering from her log to the PADD sitting on her desk, the PADD that contained a bittersweet letter from a man she had once been engaged to. She still didn't know how she felt about it.

She couldn't really be upset with Mark, especially since he had thought she was dead. She had expected him to have moved on with his life, just as she had after the death of her first fiancé, but expecting it and knowing it for a fact were different. She hadn't wanted to really think about the fact that she had been engaged twice and never married. Two failed attempts at love weren't exactly the thing to make a woman feel good about herself. Not that she really had much time to be a woman anymore, since she was basically the captain twenty-four hours a day.

With a deep sigh, she put all thoughts of Mark aside for the moment and tapped a button on her computer terminal to update her log.

_Captain's Log, supplemental. We've been downloading the information from Starfleet for nearly four hours now, and although we haven't been able to access the coded message from Command yet, we have received what may be the biggest morale booster of all: letters from home. Nearly a third of the crew have received letters at this point, and although there is a mixture of both good and bad news in them, there is comfort in knowing that our family and friends know we are alive and well._

"Come in." Kathryn called out as a chime sounded, tapping keys to save her log at the same time.

Neelix entered hesitantly, his normally exuberant demeanor completely gone. "Captain."

She nodded in greeting, looking curiously at the two PADDS in his hands. "Another letter for me?"

"No Captain, sorry." Neelix danced from foot to foot nervously, and concern blossomed on Kathryn's face as she gave him her full attention.

"Is it bad news for someone?" She asked as she rose, holding out her hand for the PADDS. Tuvok had informed her that it seemed Neelix was reading some if not all of the messages as he delivered them, and although she had planned on reprimanding him the next time she saw him that was now the furthest thing from her mind.

Although most of the crew were reading their letters in private, they were being delivered to wherever they happened to be at the time they were received, and she could understand Neelix not wanting to deliver bad news to someone in the middle of a shift in case they read it there.

Neelix passed the letters back and forth between his hands, finally stuttering out, "Ah, well, it's not that it's bad news so much as, um… These are addressed to Ensign Bennet and Ensign Durst."

Kathryn sank back into her seat with a sigh, accepting the two PADDs as Neelix finally handed them to her. She spared a brief thought for both of the lost crewmen.

When they had sent the Doctor through the wormhole weeks ago, he had run into some issues on the other side and as a result only had a few minutes to speak with Starfleet Command before they had to send him back or risk not being able to get him back at all. The Doctor had told them of the death of her former XO and other senior officers, explained briefly how they had been brought to the Delta Quadrant and how the Maquis had joined the crew, but hadn't had time to communicate much besides that.

"I wasn't sure what else to do with them, Captain." Neelix said nervously. "I'm sorry."

"It's alright, Neelix." Kathryn said softly, realizing there would likely be more letters like this. "It's not like I've forgotten about them. Tell Seven to keep the letters for any deceased crewmen separate from the rest, and bring them directly to me. I'll use them to update the letters of regret I already have on file for their families."

"Of course, Captain." Neelix nodded sadly, leaving with his head down.

Kathryn sat staring at the door for long minutes, trying to let her mind go blank. She had known this was likely to happen, known the Doctor hadn't had time to give Starfleet a complete list of casualties, and she imagined how much more pain these families would go through when they found out that their loved ones were indeed dead as they had thought for years.

She felt her eyes beginning to fill as they had when she read Mark's letter, and this time her sorrow overwhelmed her composure and she felt a single tear slide down her cheek as the losses hit her again.

Although normally when grief like this hit she locked herself away in solitude until she had worked through it enough to hide it again, this time she had the overwhelming urge to call Chakotay. She needed a kind word, or a reminder that she wasn't alone in this. Hell, she needed a hug, but that had been true for years now.

She had just wiped the tears from her cheeks and raised a hand to her combadge when her door chimed. "Come in."

Seven marched in, speaking without preamble, "Captain, I'm beginning to have trouble accessing the datastream."

=/\=

Nearly an hour had passed, and Kathryn's thoughts were still a mess. She had been trying to study the relay system, but hadn't accomplished nearly as much as she would have liked.

They still hadn't received word from Seven and Tuvok, who had taken a shuttle to try and shore up the degrading datastream. Her thoughts oscillated between what was beginning to be worry over them, memories of Mark that were now almost bittersweet, and brief flashes of grief as the faces of deceased crew members haunted her.

She quickly settled her face into her command mask as her chime rang. "Come in."

"Looks like Tuvok and Seven pulled it off. The containment field has stabilized quite a bit. B'Elanna says she's downloading the letters a lot more easily now." Chakotay reported as he stood before her desk.

"That's good news." Kathryn said with a smile, forcing all thoughts but the relay station from her mind. They chatted about the shuttle and the station for a minute as she showed him what she had found about it, and she had finally managed to get her thoughts fully back on track as she crossed up towards her couch to fiddle with her tea set.

A simple question from him tossed her mind into chaos again. "You haven't mentioned your letter. Who was it from?"

"It was from Mark, the man I was engaged to. He told me about the litter of puppies my dog had, how he found homes for them, how devastated he was when Voyager was lost, how he held out hopes we were alive longer than most people did until he realized that he was clinging to a fantasy." Kathryn met his eyes, trying to keep her voice matter-of-fact. She wasn't really ready to talk about this yet, and especially not with him.

Chakotay watched her sympathetically, but didn't interrupt. He had thought he would be happy the day he learned she didn't consider herself to be with Mark anymore, but that was when he had thought it would be a decision she would come to on her own. The poorly masked sorrow in her voice told him where this was going.

Kathryn steadied her voice and continued in as unemotional a tone as she could manage, merely relating the facts as if they hadn't changed her whole world. "So he began living his life again. Meeting people, letting go of the past. About four months ago he married a woman who works with him. He's very happy."

Chakotay took a step closer to her, knowing she was hurting but not sure what to do about it. He tried to match her calm tone. "How do you feel about that?"

More sadness crept into her voice, although he could see acceptance in her eyes as well. Although they didn't really talk about it much, most of the crew had accepted months if not years ago that while spouses might stay faithful, fiancés or girlfriends would likely have moved on.

"Well, I knew he'd eventually move on with his life, but there was such a finality to that letter." Kathryn let her thoughts drift inward for an instant, and she could feel tears begin to pool in her eyes again. She desperately wanted to change the subject, unable to deal with the compassion in his eyes that made her want to fall into his arms, something that would surely prove disastrous. She was about to ask about his letter when she was paged.

"Kim to the captain. Can you come to the bridge?"

Chakotay held her eyes for a moment longer, unable to voice any of the things he wanted to say. She quietly moved past him towards the bridge, and he took a deep breath, promising himself that they would talk more about this when they had a chance, before following her out the doors. Plus as long as he concentrated on her, he didn't have to think about his own letter, or the looks on the faces of each of his former Maquis crewmembers when he had told them what it contained.

=/\=

TBC….


	2. Pain

Disclaimer: Star Trek Voyager belongs to Paramount, the writers, and whoever else can legally claim it. I am making no profit from this. "Hunters" was written by Jeri Taylor, and no copywrite infringement is intended by the scenes I've quoted. I just wanted happier characters and fans.

AN: Thanks so much to all those who reviewed, I was actually kinda worried about this story when it went almost a full day with no reviews. Then I woke up and there was one. Then I checked the next morning and there were six. Glad to know people are enjoying this. It's time for some angst now. And please don't kill me when you get to the end: this story will have a happy ending, but I gotta get them there. And I thought it might be fun to do it very differently than my other stories. I'm not sure it's completely IC, but I can see it happening and that's enough for me.

* * *

One Last Try

By Lady Callista

_=/\=_

"_What greater thing is there for two human souls than to feel that they are joined for life - to strengthen each other in all labour, to rest on each other in all sorrow, to minister to each other in all pain…" -George Eliot_

_=/\=_

Chapter 2: Pain

=/\=

"Is everything alright?" Kathryn asked as Chakotay walked into Astrometrics after everything was said and done.

Chakotay nodded. "There are no more Hirogen vessels within scanning range, and the Doctor says that Tuvok and Seven of Nine should both be fine. Did we get any more letters in before the relay stations were destroyed?"

"A few more." Kathryn punched in a few buttons on the console, beginning the decryption sequence for the message from Starfleet Command. "B'Elanna's delivering them now. I thought you got one already."

"I did, I was just hoping maybe there was another one with happier news." Chakotay said with a sigh as he turned to leave.

"Your sister?" Kathryn's head snapped up as she took an automatic step towards him. She had noticed he seemed out of sorts since receiving his letter, but hadn't had time yet to ask him about it.

"No, it wasn't from her." Chakotay said softly as he started to pace the room. "Maybe Starfleet couldn't reach her, or maybe her letter is one of the ones we couldn't retrieve."

"Then who?" Kathryn asked as she stepped down from the main control deck, catching his arm as he walked by.

"An old friend from the Academy." Chakotay could feel the anger vibrating through him. "Who later recruited me into the Maquis."

"The Maquis?" She kept her hand on his arm, not understanding.

"They came close to winning, and then in an instant they were gone." He said the words simply, his voice holding a strange mix of grief and anger.

She blinked, her hand dropping from his arm automatically as she felt his muscles tense. "What do you mean they…"

"They were destroyed, completely. Some new empire from the Gamma Quadrant that the Cardassians are now in league with." Chakotay started to pace again. "A few of them are in Federation Prisons, a few still being held in Cardassian Penal Colonies, but as a resistance…"

"I'm sorry." The words were inadequate, but were all she could offer.

Chakotay stopping pacing, leaning up against the railing as he gripped it tightly. "A few members of my old cell were arrested a few years ago after they failed in a mission to expose a Cardassian military build-up in the DMZ. I guess I should be grateful they're alive, although one of them ended up in a Cardassian prison and might as well be dead. At least one other friend I know of is in a Federation prison. But all the rest…"

Kathryn came up behind him, placing a gentle hand on his back. "What can I do?"

Chakotay let out a harsh groan. "Nothing. There's nothing you or anyone else can do. I guess I should be grateful we got stuck out here or there'd be 30 more dead Maquis."

"Chakotay…" Her hand slid to his lower back without thought, rubbing in gentle circles as her heart ached for him.

"I just keep seeing them all, wondering why I wasn't there to die with them." His knuckles were white from gripping the railing, and he briefly lowered his forehead to it as he registered her comforting touch. "I remember when I first met them, the ones in prisons I mean. Kalita, whose family had been tortured and killed while she was out in the mountains hunting."

Kathryn shifted closer to him, reaching out to place one hand over his clenched ones as her other continued to rub circles on his back. Thinking nothing of lines or parameters, she rested her cheek against his shoulder blade, trying to give whatever comfort she could as he continued speaking in a grief-stricken voice.

"Laren, a Bajoran Starfleet officer that I taught in my advanced tactics class. She was sent into the Maquis undercover, and ended up joining us. Another Starfleet officer named Tom, who like so many other officers decided we were right and Starfleet was wrong. He got caught because he was too much of a Starfleet officer. He wanted to be a hero, personally lead the Maquis to a glorious victory. He didn't understand that terrorists don't get to be heroes. Tamal, who…"

"Jor to Commander Chakotay."

His body shook for an instant, then went perfectly still. Kathryn straightened, pulling her body away from him but keeping her hands on his back and over his hands.

She could see his version of the command mask falling into place as he straightened up, his voice sounding perfectly normal, if a bit strained. "Chakotay here."

"Chakotay, I… I was wondering if you had some free time." The tears were obvious in Jor's voice. "I need to talk to someone."

"Meet me in my office in ten minutes." Chakotay said after taking a deep breath.

"Thanks. Jor out."

"I really wish we had a counselor on board." Kathryn said as she let her hand fall away from his back. She started to pull her other hand back as well, but he turned his over and gripped it tightly for a moment.

"We'll make it." Chakotay said gently. "I've gotten pretty good at my unofficial job over the years, and I know how they're feeling more than a counselor would. Thanks… thanks for listening to me. I really just needed to let some of it out."

"Anytime." Kathryn said softly. "We can talk more later."

He shook his head as he headed to the door, his emotions locked away once again. "I'll be fine."

The door swished shut behind him before she could answer, and she could only stand there staring at it.

She knew what he was doing; he was always the strong one, and he would never want to burden her with his own problems. But the fact that he had talked to her as much as he had showed her just how much this was tormenting him, and she vowed that she would be there for him as he had always been there for her.

=/\=

Kathryn didn't see him again until the next day, and although most people would have thought he was back to his normal self, she could still see the tension underlying his movements.

She could also sense, quite clearly, that he didn't want to talk about it. They chatted lightly about the ship for a moment after he walked into her ready room, and after they were both seated with coffee at hand she tried to find a way to bring it up. "I'm sure Voyager will be fine, but I'm worried that the crew might be a different story. I think they were hoping mail call would become a regular part of their day."

"Neelix is putting together an impromptu party." Chakotay easily deflected the conversation. "He thought it might cheer them up."

"Good idea. When will it be?" She asked, thinking hard. Neelix usually ran his parties around dinner time, which meant she could invite Chakotay over before and get him to talk. She knew he had spent most of the night playing counselor to various crew members, and the stress of it was obvious to her.

"As soon as he can get people together." Chakotay smiled.

" Leave it to Neelix to come up with the right idea at the right time." Or the wrong time, she thought with a sigh. Although maybe she would have time to bring it up before they headed out.

" How are you doing?"

"Me? I'm fine." She didn't want to talk about herself, she wanted to talk about him . Her news, while upsetting, hadn't really been shocking.

Chakotay cut her thoughts off with a wry chuckle. "You'd say that if you'd just had your legs torn off by a Trakan Beast. Look what you've been through in the last few days. We finally make a connection with home and then it's ripped away from us. We manage to make another enemy who's going to try and hunt us down and destroy us, and on top of that…"

"It's all right. You can say it. On top of all that, I got a Dear John letter. It wasn't really a surprise. I guess I didn't really expect him to wait for me considering the circumstances. It made me realize that I was using him as a safety net, you know, as a way to avoid becoming involved with someone else." Her thoughts were spoken before she really thought about what he might infer from that, and she wished the last sentence back at once.

"You don't have that safety net anymore." His voice was thoughtful, considering. He had had almost exactly the same thought the day before when she told him about Mark's letter. Although he knew that Mark likely wasn't the only reason she had constantly rejected his mild advances, he knew it had to figure in. And now that was gone. He could actually feel the hopes and desires he had tried to bury away for years begin to rise again.

"That's right." Kathryn's voice was thoughtful as well, his mind had gone exactly where she thought it would, and the look in his eyes made her nervous enough that she verbally sidestepped. "Then again, my life is far from uneventful here in the Delta quadrant. It's not like I would have had a chance to pursue a relationship even if I had realized I was alone."

"You're hardly alone, and to my way of thinking, there's still plenty of time."

"Plenty of time." Caught in the spell of his eyes, she again spoke without thinking. She needed to get them off this topic of conversation before all the careful walls she had built between them came tumbling down.

Because it wasn't that she didn't want what the look in his eyes promised. In fact, she wanted it far too much.

The beep of the comm was a relief. "Neelix to the Ready room. The party's about to begin and there are only two people missing."

"We're on our way." She managed to smile at Chakotay as they rose, and the smile widened automatically as he offered her his arm. Tucking her hand into the crook of his arm with a chuckle, she felt a heat run through her body as he brought his other hand up and laid it gently over hers.

Tuvok rose from the command chair as they stepped out onto the bridge. He raised an eyebrow, and Kathryn felt herself flush as she hurriedly released Chakotay's arm.

"We're going to put in an appearance at Neelix's party. I think it'll be good for the crew to see us there. I'll be back in an hour to relieve you." She said quickly before Tuvok could comment.

"Captain, you have both been on duty for 20 of the last 24 hours. Allow me to take the bridge this shift, you and the Commander should take some time to relax after the party." Tuvok answered. The Doctor had forced him to remain off duty for nearly eight hours after he and Seven returned from being captive, so he was fully capable of taking the shift so that his commanding officers could have some time off.

Kathryn felt her cheeks heat even more as her mind conjured up an image of just how they could relax together after the party, and she quickly tried to tamp it down and keep her voice calm as she replied, "That's probably a good idea. I'll see you tomorrow then."

Tuvok nodded, and watched as they headed for the turbolift. He cocked his head slightly, studying their body language as they left the bridge. Commander Chakotay was upset although hiding it fairly well, which Tuvok understood as by now the entire ship knew about what had happened to the Maquis back in the Alpha Quadrant, but Tuvok sensed something more than just that. Captain Janeway seemed tense as well as somewhat nervous, although she was trying to hide it and likely had from everyone except him. There was also a tension between them that caused him to sigh ever so slightly as the pieces fell into place.

Tuvok allowed himself to shake his head slightly before settling back into the command chair. Humans and their emotions. If he was reading the situation correctly, things were about to get very interesting on the ship. He only hoped that when his friend took the step she had wanted to for years she didn't end up regretting it.

=/\=

The mood in the mess hall was a swirling mass of contradictions.

There was happiness from those who had received no sad news from home, but the happiness was tinged with guilt over friends who had not been so lucky.

There was an echo of anger and loss from all of the former-Maquis, even as some rejoiced that a particular friend was still alive, or that a family was still waiting back home.

There was sadness from those who had had significant others move on, and there was relief from those who had discovered their spouses were still faithful.

There was pride from those who had heard about their children's accomplishments, suffused with regret that they had not been there to see them.

Chakotay assessed the moods immediately as he walked into the room with Kathryn at his side. His own emotions were just as conflicted, actually due more to her letter than his own. Her words just before in the ready room had said one thing, but the look in her eyes had said another.

He was still emotionally worn down, for every time he had tried to put aside the anger and helplessness caused by his own letter, another of his former crew had wanted to talk about it and everything had come rushing back. And he didn't want to express his own feelings to any of them, they were too busy trying to deal with their own.

Kathryn was the only person he had even briefly allowed himself to vent with, but he had felt so ashamed afterwards that he knew he couldn't talk to her again. She had enough on her plate without worrying about him.

Kathryn was equally quick assessing the various moods in the room, and she took advantage of the silence that spread when they entered. "I've said it before and I'll say it again now, all of you are the best crew I've ever had the privilege of working with. But we're not just a crew, we've become our own family out here, and right now we need each other's support and comfort more than ever before." She laid a hand on Chakotay's arm briefly, and saw the support in his eyes. "As hard as it was not to know what was going on back home, in some ways it was also easier, and now that we know how our families and friends are doing we've got a lot to deal with. Please, be there for each other, and help each other deal with whatever feelings these letters have brought up. The Commander and I are also available to anyone who wants to talk, and I mean about anything."

Chakotay split off from her as they went to mingle with their crew, offering smiles, pats on the shoulder, or just a sympathetic ear.

Ensign Wildman was happy that her husband was still waiting for her, but depressed that with the relay stations destroyed she couldn't tell him that he had a beautiful daughter. Chakotay stood with Naomi on his hip as Samantha cried briefly into his shoulder, feeling the pain of being a single parent all over again.

Kathryn went first to Harry, who was bursting with joy over his letter from his parents, but upset that the girl he had been dating was engaged to someone else. She found the right words, and left him laughing in the company of Jenny Deleny.

She kept an eye on Chakotay as she circulated, making a point of talking to as many of the former-Maquis as she could. They were the ones she was most worried about, and she dreaded a resurgence of tensions between them and the Fleeters if things weren't handled carefully.

She listened to Mike Ayala speak of his son's accomplishments with pride as she watched Chakotay put an arm around Yuki Kyoto, whom she knew had received word of her father's death.

She laughed with some, patted others as they cried, and side-stepped the few who asked her about her own letter with the simple statement that her family was fine. She shoved all of her feelings about her letter into the back of her mind in order to be there for her crew.

Chakotay was laughing with Mariah Henley over a humorous story her mother had included in her letter when he saw Seven enter the room carrying several PADDs and head directly towards the captain.

He watched Kathryn's face fall as she took the PADDs, quickly excused herself to the crewman she had been talking to, and just ask quickly flee from the room. With an apology to Mariah he headed over to Seven, who was heading towards the replicator.

"Seven, what did you just give the captain?" His voice was blunt, and he took a deep breath as he tried to calm himself down. The anger was floating so near the surface it was looking for any excuse to escape.

Seven spun to face him, thankfully having the sense to lower her voice. "The Captain told me to put aside any letters for deceased members of the crew and bring them directly to her. I just gave her the letters for Crewman Darwin, Crew…"

"You couldn't wait until after the party?" Chakotay snapped.

She cocked her head, not understanding. "It was time for my nutritional supplement, and as the captain was here…"

"Never mind." Chakotay said as he left the room as quickly as he could without causing a scene. He wished for the umpteenth time that Seven had been blown out the airlock with the rest of the Borg as he hurried off to find Kathryn.

He caught up to her just as she entered the turbolift, and slid in beside her without saying anything.

"I'm fine." She said at once, the trembling in her voice giving her away.

"You're anything but." He answered softly, placing a hand on her shoulder. He felt her entire body begin to shake, felt her turning into him as the turbolift doors opened onto Deck 3. He slid his hand down to the small of her back, quickly escorting her down the hall, entering his quarters because they were closer than hers.

The door was still sliding shut when she collapsed into his arms, and he could feel the tears wetting the front of his uniform. Chakotay slid his arms around her and held her as she cried.

Kathryn clung to him, too upset to feel embarrassed. Those last letters, and Seven's cold way of delivering them, had simply been the final straw. She cried for every lost crewmember, and every family member back home who would never see their son or wife or father again. She cried for every crewmember who had children growing up without them, and for everyone who no longer had a lover waiting. She cried for all the dead friends, all the lost homes, all the shattered dreams.

A minute or an hour later she pulled back, exhausted, and more grateful to him than she knew how to express. He hadn't offered her empty words, or tried to stop her from crying. He had simply held her, giving her the comfort she had needed for so very long now. Comfort that she knew she didn't deserve, as all the losses were her fault.

But in that moment, as their eyes held for an extended beat with their arms still wrapped around each other, all thoughts except for the comfort and love she felt in his arms vanished. She trembled as one of his hands gently wiped some of her tears from her cheek, and she knew that in this moment she needed his touch more than she needed her next breath. She needed to know she wasn't alone.

Thinking of nothing but him, Kathryn rose to her toes and kissed him lightly on the lips.

The kiss turned passionate in a heartbeat, and all rules and reason fell away as they continued to kiss, bodies mashing together and hands greedy for previously forbidden territory. Words were unnecessary as he lifted her into his arms and carried her to his bed.

=/\=

Kathryn felt him beginning to fall asleep, and as he drew her closer to comfort them both, his hand trailing lightly over her hip, she pretended to sleep. When his hand shifted up to stroke over her hair, she squeezed her eyes more tightly shut, trying to keep the tears from leaking out the corners of them.

If they were regular people, this could be their life. If they weren't stuck in the Delta Quadrant, if they didn't have to work together, if she wasn't so terrified of loving him, she could fall asleep every night in the arms of a man who loved her.

It was such a simple thing. It was everything. It was something she couldn't have.

All the thoughts that had flown from her head as they made love came flooding back. She couldn't have a relationship with her first officer, it would screw up the whole command structure. She couldn't risk loving again, because she couldn't survive losing another love. She had no right to be happy when it was her fault that her crew was separated from their family and friends.

Kathryn lay in his bed with his arms around her, relishing the feeling even as tears began to slide down her cheeks. All of her effort was focused on keeping silent, and keeping her body from beginning to shake.

When she was certain he was asleep, she slid carefully from his arms, dressed hurriedly, and slipped out of the room. She didn't look back, afraid that if she saw him she wouldn't be able to leave.

Because she didn't look back, she didn't see his eyes snap open the instant she left his arms, or the grief and resignation in his eyes as a single tear ran down his cheek.

=/\=

TBC…

* * *

AN2: I always debate with myself between my dislike of including non-canon things from books ("Mosaic" and Justin not withstanding, as Jeri Taylor has basically said he is cannon), and my enjoyment of being able to make references to known characters.

In this case I went with making a reference to known characters, because the book "Quarantine" by John Vornholt says that Thomas Riker was a part of Chakotay's Maquis cell.

This led me to extrapolate that Tom's entire crew in "Defiant" had originally been part of Chakotay's cell, but were not on the mission where the _Val Jean _was lost because they were doing something else at the time. It also let me include Ro, as Kalita originally worked with her when they were under Macias's cell, and when he died Chakotay could have become their cell leader.

"Preemptive Strike" leads us to believe that Ro became the leader of that cell, but as it has been stated that her reference to her advanced tactics teacher at the Academy joining the Maquis was meant to refer to Chakotay (despite an episode of Voyager giving us a date of Chakotay's resignation from Starfleet that screws that up and I have chosen to ignore for multiple reasons), it doesn't seem unreasonable to me that her and Chak could have worked together. Especially as she was still so new to the Maquis.

Plus it's just a connection I've never seen used and I like tossing in things like this.


	3. Love

Disclaimer: Star Trek Voyager belongs to Paramount, the writers, and whoever else can legally claim it. I am making no profit from this. But I'm getting happier characters and fans.

AN: According to the stardates, nearly two months pass between "Hunters" and the next episode, which is good, cause I've got some things to work out, lol. Apologies for how I left the last part, but I see it as a totally IC reaction on her part. The fact that it happened in the first place might be a little OOC, but hey, everyone has their breaking point. Reviews are, as always, most appreciated.

* * *

One Last Try

By Lady Callista

_=/\=_

_"Don't tell me that you love me, cause love's one thing that I cannot do_

_And it's the only thing that I can't give to you" -Kid Rock_

_=/\=_

Chapter 3: Love

=/\=

Chakotay hadn't realized it was possible to go from completely blissful and happy to completely heart-broken in a split second.

For two hours he had held her in his arms. Two beautiful hours, time in which he had finally been able to show her how much he loved her. Been able to kiss her, and touch her, and hold her as he had wanted to for years now. Two perfect hours in which his greatest hope had been realized, and everything had been right with the world.

Making love with her had been like coming home.

And she had slid from his arms without a word, and left without a backward glance.

Chakotay rolled to his back with a pained sigh, his hands coming up to cover his eyes, trying to block out the erotic images that were still spinning through his mind.

In one way he had actually been more surprised when she first kissed him than he was with the way she had left, but that didn't make it hurt any less.

He had let himself believe that this would change things between them, that once they expressed their feelings there would be no going back. She obviously didn't feel the same, and he wasn't sure how he would bear seeing regret in her eyes the next time he saw her.

Yet even now, he couldn't find it in himself to regret what they had shared. He had kept his feelings locked away for so long that the relief at expressing them had been amazing, and the comfort and closeness he had found with her had been exactly what his battered, lonely soul needed. He had dreamed of being with her like that so many times, and the only difference between his dreams and reality was that they hadn't actually said that they loved each other, and that she was no longer in his arms.

The one comfort to his wounded heart was that he had seen the look of love in her eyes, a look that said the moment had been about more than just taking comfort in a friend. Their first, nearly frantic joining might have been just that, but when she had reached for him a second time her love for him had practically glowed out of her eyes and face.

The grief and heartbreak started to recede as he remembered that look, and letting out a deep sigh he rose and headed towards the shower.

Love, and determination, pushed the grief even further into the back of his mind as one last thought occurred to him. He now knew, without a doubt, that she loved him as much as he loved her.

He just had to find a way to make her stop running from it and admit, to herself as well as him, that she loved him.

=/\=

Chakotay had purposely given her space, knowing that going after her before she had a chance to think things over would get him no where. As a result, he didn't see her again until they were both on the bridge the next day.

He saw her entire body tense as he took his seat beside her, and it was completely calculated on his part when he said softly, "Good morning, Kathryn."

He saw something flicker briefly in her eyes at the familiarity that he normally kept off the bridge, but then it was gone and her eyes were as blank as her face. "Commander, you have the bridge." And she fled to her ready room before he could reply.

Eyes wide, Tom spun in his chair the instant the door closed behind the captain, but the sight of Chakotay's slumped shoulders and the pain he could read on his face stopped him from making the quip that was on the tip of his tongue. Instead, he gave the older man a commiserating look before turning back to his controls.

With an audible sigh, Chakotay rose from his seat, catching Tuvok's eye and watching as the Vulcan gave him a brief nod before he crossed to her ready room door and pressed the button for admittance.

The door opened at once, and he squared his shoulders deliberately before striding in.

Kathryn sat behind her desk, a mug of steaming coffee beside her, her attention focused on the computer. It was a familiar image, and yet one he found uncomfortably discordant with the passionate woman who had been moaning in his arms less than a day before.

"Did you need something, Commander?" She didn't even look up from her computer.

"Please don't pretend it didn't happen." The words were out of his mouth before he could consciously decide what to say.

Kathryn froze at his quiet words. She had spent the entire previous day after she left him locked alone in her quarters, trying to sort-out what the hell she was going to do now. The fact that he hadn't tried to contact her had made her hope that maybe he would just let it go as the moment of weakness it had been, and she had simply planned not to bring it up. But she could hear the pain in his voice, and knew they would have to talk about it.

"It shouldn't have." Her voice was as quiet as his, and she took a steadying breath before looking up and meeting his eyes. "You know that as well as I do."

"I don't know any such thing." Chakotay kept his voice gentle, sliding into the seat across from her. He had debated with himself how to handle this, run over dozens of variations in his head. He had seen himself yelling at her, forcing her to admit how she felt about him. He had seen himself on his knees before her, crying and begging her to admit she loved him. In one particularly disturbing fantasy he had simply pushed her up against the wall and…

But in the end, he knew none of those things would work. She was his best friend, and the only way he could deal with her was with the love and understanding he had always offered to her. "I've never hidden my feelings from you and you have to know that, for me, yesterday was a dream come true."

Kathryn felt her mask shatter at the depth of emotion in his voice, and dropped her head into her hands. "Why did you have to say that?"

"Because I've never lied to you." The words came easily, and from the heart. "I understand what it was, Kathryn. My feelings about the Maquis being gone, your grief over being reminded of the deaths of our crewmembers, and the finality of Mark's letter. The connection that's always been there between us, the dam breaking when you let me hold you. We both needed to connect with someone, needed the comfort and the love. And as much as I want it to be more, I can accept if that's all you want it to be. But I won't pretend it didn't happen, and I won't let you use it to push me away."

Kathryn felt the tears beginning to rise, and pushed them down as she rose and wandered up towards what she jokingly thought of as her sitting room. Her emotions were in turmoil; she didn't know how to deal with the brutal honesty in his voice. She knew him well enough to know he meant it completely. He loved her enough that he wouldn't push her. He would go along with whatever she wanted, would slide back into the slot of her best friend if that was where she wanted him. She couldn't imagine how much it would hurt him to do it, but she knew he would.

"It wouldn't have happened with anyone but you." Kathryn admitted softly, her back still to him. "I need you to understand that it wasn't just because you were there."

Chakotay moved closer, but knew better than to touch her. Her words were a balm, and although he had known that deep down, her words erased the last kernel of doubt he hadn't even realized was still there. "I know that, and it goes both ways. It meant so much to me because of how long I've wanted you like that."

Kathryn took a deep breath before she turned to face him. "Yesterday meant…meant a great deal to me, as does what you said a minute ago. And I don't want to push you away, but I have to pretend that it didn't happen. Because if I think about it, I'll want it to happen again and it can't."

"Why not?" Chakotay asked gently.

"Because we can't be together like that." Kathryn knew the sorrow was showing in her voice. "We have a professional duty to this ship and crew, and if we…"

"I've been in love with you for a while now, and it's never stopped me from doing my job." Chakotay put everything on the line.

Katnryn's eyes snapped shut as pain flooded through her at his words. "You're my best friend, Chakotay, and I hope that you can still be that. Because I can't love you." She turned away from him before he could see the tears in her eyes, and fled through the back door of her ready room.

Chakotay gripped the railing around the upper part of the room with both hands to stop himself from going after her. He waited for the pain to come, but it didn't. It took only a brief moment of introspection for him to figure out why.

She had admitted what their making love had meant to her, and that she wanted to be with him again. He also recognized that their working together had been an excuse, not her real reason for denying a relationship. Until he heard the real reason, he couldn't be sure how things would turn out. But her last sentence actually made him smile rather than want to cry.

She had said that she _couldn't_ love him, and the tone of her voice had shown that she meant she wasn't supposed to or didn't want to.

But she hadn't said that she didn't.

=/\=

Chakotay returned to the bridge, giving her space yet again. It really was tempting to follow her, but he had learned long ago that pushing her usually got him nowhere. He also knew that if he pushed now she could eventually come to resent him because of it.

So he returned to the bridge with a smile on his face, making it clear to the crew that whatever had been going on had been sorted out and things were okay. It was something they had seen before, so they would accept it. The last thing she needed were rumors floating around the ship that something was going on between them, or that something was wrong between them. Either of those would just make her retreat further into herself.

He sat in his chair, going over reports, listening to the easy banter between Tom and Harry. The reports were slow going, as his mind kept flickering to Kathryn and her actions in the ready room. Specifically the look on her face when he had said he was in love with her. He had almost thought he glimpsed panic in her eyes, which didn't make sense as there was no way she couldn't have known how he felt about her.

She had said she still wanted him to be her best friend, and he knew just how difficult that was going to be. It was the main reason he had always retreated from expressing his feelings, because he knew that once they took that step friendship alone would never be enough for him. But they had taken that step the day before, not with words but with actions, and now that the initial discussion was over he had to decide how he wanted to proceed. He would still be her friend of course, there was no way he could deny either of them that, but he had to find the best way to push just enough to make her admit that they could be so much more.

The first step of that would have to be showing her that they could still work together despite their feelings and what had happened. That would be the easy step, because like he had told her he had been doing it for years. The next step would be the hard part; he had to find out the real reason she didn't want to be more than friends.

"Commander, we're picking up an M-class planet on long range scans." Harry's voice came a second after his console started beeping at him.

"Life signs?" Chakotay rose, his thoughts flipping back into duty mode with the ease of long practice.

"We're too far away for an exact count, but millions." Harry said as he pushed buttons. "And strong indications that it's a warp-capable civilization."

"It's less than half a light year out of the way." Tom added.

"Commander, there is a strong possibility that we are still in Hirogen space, this could be one of their planets." Tuvok cautioned.

"I know." Chakotay replied, "But we're running very low on food stores, as well as several other things. We should be able to tell before we get too close if it's Hirogen or not. Tom, lay in a new course. ETA?"

"22 hours, Commander." Tom replied at once.

"We should be able to tell if it's Hirogen in about half that time." Harry added. "Their ships had a very distinctive energy signature, and it's likely other technology of theirs would have similar signatures."

"Understood." Chakotay replied as he resumed his seat. He considered calling the captain to the bridge, but until they got close enough for better scans there was nothing to do but wait. They had been keeping an eye out for M-class worlds for almost a week now in order to re-supply, so he knew she would have made the same decision to change course that he had. He sent her a memo updating her on the course change, and decided that was sufficient. If she wanted to come to the bridge she would, but he was going to try and give her as much alone time as possible.

That wasn't selfish at all. A happy, relaxed captain made for a better running ship, and at the moment she was anything but. The longer she had to sort everything out in her mind the better it would be for everyone.

=/\=

Kathryn slipped back into her ready room, again through the back door, less than five minutes after she had left, knowing that he would be gone.

She collapsed unto her couch in an undignified heap, the tears under control but her emotions still swirling like a whirlpool. She had convinced herself sometime in the wee hours of the morning, as she lay tossing and turning with flashes of passion intruding unwanted into her thoughts, that he would just let it go. Not forget it obviously, she knew that wasn't possible for him anymore than it was for her, but at least never bring it up. At least allow her to pretend, as she always had, that he wanted nothing more from her than friendship.

She had actually been afraid of this from the moment she read Mark's letter. It hadn't been her first thought naturally, but it had been up there, especially once she was foolish enough to tell Chakotay that it took away her safety net. What else could he have assumed other than that she meant specifically where he was concerned?

He knew that she was aware of his feelings for her, and although she generally kept her own feelings much more hidden he was blind and stupid if he didn't know she had feelings for him that went beyond friendship.

What he couldn't know was that those feelings absolutely terrified her. She had said 'I love you' to three men in her life, and two of them were dead. And although Mark was still alive, in a very real sense he was dead to her.

Kathryn leaned forward, elbows on her knees and fingers massaging her temples. Although she had told Chakotay the truth when she said that they shouldn't be together because they worked together, she knew that was more an excuse than a true reason.

It was frowned upon by Starfleet Command for senior officers to have romantic relationships, but not expressly forbidden. There were actually only two rules relating to romances for officers: a senior officer could not pressure a lesser into a relationship, and a relationship must not have a negative impact on the running of the ship or the welfare of the crew.

Although she had kissed him first, he had made his intentions clear over a year ago, and she knew the first part of the rule wasn't an issue between them. He probably didn't think the second part was either; as he had said, he had been doing his job just fine while being in love with her.

What he didn't understand was that she couldn't do her job if she was in love with him. Because one of two things would happen. She would compromise the ship or crew by being unwilling to send someone she loved into danger. Or she would lose another person she loved and it would destroy her.

And there was no way she could allow either of those things to happen.

=/\=

TBC…


	4. Circumstances

Disclaimer: Star Trek Voyager belongs to Paramount, the writers, and whoever else can legally claim it. I am making no profit from this. But I'm getting happier characters and fans.

AN: Gotta love alien plot devices. Although I have read stranger ones, so I hope this isn't too unbelievable. At least it's mostly unique. A friend and I were talking about TNG last week when I was planning out this story, and she brought up the episode where Tasha was abducted because the leader of a planet wanted to marry her. My friend wanted to know why more alien cultures couldn't do that rather than try to kill them, so this part is for her!

Oh, and it has been pointed out to me by one person that Kathryn seems OOC because she's being so selfish and not thinking of his feelings. I actually thought the previous part addressed that somewhat; she told him what it meant to her but that it couldn't happen again, and he said he was okay with that. I actually think him always letting her get her way is the real problem, and is actually what I was trying to show in this fic. But don't worry, whatever you see as the problem, it will be solved in the end.

* * *

One Last Try

By Lady Callista

_=/\=_

_"The saddest love is to love someone, know that they want you, but that circumstances won't let you be together." -unknown_

_=/\=_

Chapter 4: Circumstances

=/\=

The M-class planet they arrived at the next day proved to be a paradise. Kathryn distracted herself from her personal problems by beaming down and negotiating both a trade agreement and permission for the crew to take shore leave.

Chakotay went with her for the negotiations, as he often did, and although she found his presence distracting at first was surprised when that passed rather quickly.

They fell into their command structure without any awkwardness, and worked well together as they always had. And when Kathryn found herself laughing out loud at a joke he made to her during one of the breaks in negotiations, she realized their friendship was still firmly intact as well.

She kept waiting for him to say or do something out of line, but he remained a complete professional during negotiations, even smirking when the Aikunian ambassador they were working with began to flirt with her mildly, offering her a personal tour of the city once they were done with talks. She flirted back casually, but made it clear that she wasn't interested in a personal tour.

Chakotay had kept his eyes on a PADD throughout that entire part of the conversation, going over the planet's laws to be certain the crew wouldn't have any problems during shore leave. He had felt Kathryn's eyes flick to him when she first realized the ambassador was flirting with her, and he had been careful to keep his expression blank as she began to flirt back. It was harmless, and while he wasn't certain if she was doing it simply because she enjoyed it or because she wanted to see if he would react, it honestly hadn't bothered him. He knew he would have to work on not reacting if she actually agreed to spend time alone with the man, but he was actually enjoying seeing this more relaxed side of her come to the forefront, even if it wasn't him she was flirting with.

He couldn't stop the smirk that came to his face when she skillfully turned the conversation back to the trade agreement, making it clear that she wasn't personally interested in Ambassador Yama. He knew she noticed and wondered what she would make of it.

He had spent most of his free time the past day trying to decide how to deal with her, and decided the best way at the moment was to simply be the friend and first officer he had always been. Anything more would put her on the offensive, or worse, the defensive. And if he was going to find out what was really bothering her about the idea of being more than his friend, he was going to have to bide his time.

Although he did plan on giving her gentle nudges, in small ways where she couldn't call him out on it, just to see how she would react.

=/\=

"Come in." Kathryn called out later that day as the door to her ready room chimed. All the negotiations had taken a mere six hours, even with a break for lunch, and her and Chakotay had returned to the ship when they were completed.

She was coordinating with B'Elanna on the mining teams and locations they had been given access to to mine for dilithium, and Chakotay was working out shore leave rotations. They had decided to give everyone a 24-hour leave, not as long as some would have liked, but enough for everyone to get in some decent rest and relaxation without causing too long a delay on their journey home.

"Shore leave rotations, Captain." Chakotay entered with a PADD in hand, taking in the familiar scene of her behind the desk with a cup of coffee in her hand. "Tuvok has said he doesn't require leave, and I figured I'd take the first day unless you want it, so you have the option of days two or three. Unless you'd like to come with me."

Kathryn took the PADD from him, trying to ignore the spark that snapped when their fingers touched. Then nearly dropped the PADD anyway at his last sentence.

It wasn't an out-of-place invitation; they had shared shore leave several times, both because they enjoyed each other's company and because in Kathryn's case her options were somewhat limited. Very few, if any, of the crew wanted to spend their time-off with the captain.

She still remembered the first time they had taken leave together, nearly a year ago. They had spent the day exploring the city, touring museums and other cultural points and just talking about anything and everything that came up. They'd had dinner at a splendid restaurant, and ended the day with a moonlight walk on the beach that had started with them chatting like normal, shifted to casually holding hands as they strolled, and become extremely awkward when she had tripped over something in the sand and stumbled into his arms.

They had both recognized the beat of intense attraction, and how easy it would have been to steal the moment. And how much more difficult it would have made things after. So they had both carefully taken a step back, and after staring into each other's eyes for a moment, each had reached for their combadge, recognizing that they needed to get out of there.

Kathryn knew that right now she would be incapable of backing away if a moment like that happened again. Not when she could still taste him in her dreams.

"Um…" Kathryn stuttered as she tried to get her mind back on track, and it instead rebelled by giving her a few very vivid ideas on how they could spend a day and night when they didn't have to worry about being interrupted by a comm or door chime. Twenty-four hours where they could forget about _Voyager_, and rules, and…

No! The captain part of her brain snapped at once. She needed at least a few more days to get herself back on track with him, to know that she could spend time alone with him off-duty and not spend the entire time thinking about what it had been like to kiss him and touch him. To want to do it again…

She had destroyed the wall between them with her own actions, and now it was up to her to rebuild it before she couldn't. It wouldn't be fair to him if she was giving off mixed signals, especially when to her surprise he seemed to have taken her words to heart and had simply gone back to being her friend.

"Kathryn?" He asked softly when other than making a humming noise she didn't respond to his invitation. He could actually see in her eyes when she snapped out of her thoughts and back to the present.

She felt a tingle run through her at the caressing way he said her name, but that was nothing new. She could still remember the first time he had said it, which got her thoughts running back to… Kathryn shook her head minutely as she remembered he had asked if she wanted to take shore leave with him. "I don't really think… I mean I should…"

"It's okay." He gave her a soft, small smile. "You don't have to think up an excuse. Another time."

She nodded, too quickly, but the disappointment she could see in his eyes caused her to add softly, "Another time, definitely. I just… need a little time to get back on an even keel."

He nodded, and flashed her a real smile before excusing himself. The smile stayed in place as he took his seat on the bridge. If she still needed time to get back on an even keel, that meant she was still thinking about what had happened. And as long as she was still thinking about it, he still had a chance to direct her route.

=/\=

"We should be able to get all the dilithium mined by the end of the day, Captain." B'Elanna said when Kathryn swung into Engineering the next day to see how things were going. A third of her crew, Chakotay and Neelix included, were down on the planet enjoying shore leave. Tom and Harry were scheduled to go the next day, along with another third of the crew, and B'Elanna and Kathryn were both scheduled for the last day with the final third of the crew. Seven, like Tuvok, had stated that she did not require shore leave at this time.

Things had been fairly quiet on the ship, and they were using the down time to complete some minor repairs and maintenance that couldn't be done when they were at warp.

"That's good." Kathryn smiled. "Between that and the other minerals we traded for we should be in good shape for a few months at least, almost a year for the dilithium."

"I know." B'Elanna returned the smile. "It's almost a shock to have a first contact where the natives are actually as nice as they seem, have everything we need, and are willing to trade for it with things we're willing to give them."

"Those experiences have been few and far between." Kathryn chuckled as she leaned a hip against the console B'Elanna was working on. "So, any idea what you're doing on your shore leave?"

"Well, I was thinking…"

"Ensign Wildman to Captain Janeway."

B'Elanna stopped talking as the page came over the comm system, and raised an eyebrow in slight concern. Samantha was down on shore leave at the moment, which she knew because she had run into her and Naomi at breakfast and found out that Chakotay, who after Neelix was one of Naomi's favorite people, had offered to accompany them on a picnic and for some shopping. She watched as the captain's face took on a look of anxiety, she likely knew who was with Sam as well, and that for her to call like this was probably not a good thing.

"Janeway here." Kathryn tapped her combadge at once. "Is there a problem, Sam?"

"Yes, ma'am." There was both worry and nervousness in the young woman's voice, and she said quickly, "It… It's Commander Chakotay."

Even not knowing what was wrong, Kathryn felt her heart stop.

=/\=

"So let me get this straight." Kathryn said less than ten minutes later as she and her senior staff gathered for an emergency meeting in the observation lounge. Samantha Wildman sat uneasily in Chakotay's normal chair as Kathryn paced circles around the table. "There's a holy order of priestesses on this planet and one of them decided that she wants Chakotay for her husband. Men who are chosen this way have no say, and he is currently locked in their temple, which is heavily guarded and built of some kind of material we can't transport through. Does that sound about right?"

Glances passed nervously from one person to the next as the captain snapped out the last statement, coming to a brief stop next to her chair and planting her fists forcefully on the table.

It was Tuvok who calmly answered her. "That is a correct analysis of the situation, Captain, based upon Ensign Wildman's account, our reading of the laws, and Neelix's emergency meeting with Ambassador Yama."

Neelix had been with Sam, Naomi, and Chakotay at the time the incident happened, and had bustled off to talk to the ambassador and see what could be done even as Sam called _Voyager_ and informed them of what was going on. Neelix had already reported in once, and was still with the ambassador trying to find legal options.

Kathryn wasn't panicking yet, she always had the option of breaking the Prime Directive and leading a security team down there to get Chakotay back, which she fully intended to do if necessary, but she still hoped there would be a legal option.

"Go over the laws again, there has to be some sort of loop-hole we can use." Kathryn didn't direct the order at anyone in particular, but received affirmative answers from every person in the room. "Also…"

"Bridge to the captain."

"Janeway here." She replied at once.

"Neelix just commed us." Crewmen Foster reported. "Ambassador Yama would like to speak with you."

"I'll be right there." Kathryn said even as she and the rest of her officers moved towards the bridge. "Stations everyone."

Kathryn used the dozen meters between the observation lounge and the command deck to tamp down her rage, anxiety, and everything else that went along with the man she loved…._damn it!_…with her first officer and friend having been basically kidnapped.

"On screen." The captain snapped as she centered herself facing the viewscreen, hands on her hips and face blank.

"Captain Janeway, I am sorry that it is under such strained circumstances that we speak again." Ambassador Yama and his office filled the viewscreen; Neelix could be seen fluttering in the background.

"I'm not blaming you for this, Ambassador Yama, and I've been updated on the circumstances." Kathryn managed to keep a calm and polite air. "What are my options?"

"I am afraid that there are not any options, Captain."

Her eyes chilled. "I refuse to accept that."

"As I have explained to Mr. Neelix, and as you have read in our own laws, the only way a man may refuse a Priestess of Konton is if he is already bonded to a man or woman."

"So if he was bonded to someone…" Kathryn began, only to be cut off.

"We know he does not have a bond with anyone on your ship, Captain Janeway, it was asked of him before the priestess claimed him." The Aikunian ambassador looked embarrassed. Kathryn knew from Neelix's first report that Yama had tried to talk the priestess out of this, but the dozen holy priestesses were seen almost as gods themselves on this world and the ambassador hadn't wanted to push too hard. "And I regret to inform you that she has threatened to kill him if you try and take him by force."

Kathryn felt a slight flicker of panic. Without the ability to transport him out, and given what she had been told of the security around the temple where she knew he was being held, this would be a nightmare if it couldn't be resolved diplomatically. Her idea of going in with a security team wouldn't work if this priestess was willing to kill him rather than have him be taken away from her.

Her eyes turned colder yet, not allowing any of her panic or worry to show. "You know from the information we've shared with you that our Prime Directive forbids us from interfering with the laws of other species, Ambassador Yama. But at the same time, from my perspective this is tantamount to kidnapping, and I will not allow my first officer to remain on your planet."

"There is no room for interpretation in this law, Captain." The ambassador was almost stammering. "He insists that he is bonded to someone already, but when he was asked initially he said that he was not, so..."

"What exactly do you mean by bonded?" Kathryn asked. "The translation device which allows us to communicate isn't always perfect, he may not have initially understood what was meant when she said bonded."

"When the priestess first spoke to him, she asked him if he was bonded and he said no." Yama's tone was confused.

"Captain, ah, the Universal Translator did not phrase it that way when the priestess first spoke to us." Neelix cut in, moving closer to Yama. "I don't know if it's translating better now, or she used a different word, but what we heard the priestess ask us was if either of us was mated to Sam. We both said no, and when the priestess pressed us further we each said that we did not have a mate. It was then that she moved in and claimed Chakotay as hers."

"Chakotay has said also that he did not understand the word, and now says that he is indeed bonded to someone on the ship." Yama added.

"He is, he's bonded to me." Kathryn tried to keep her voice level, thankful that there were no gasps of shock from anyone on the bridge. She understood immediately that Chakotay had said that to try and give her a diplomatic way out and apparently everyone else did as well. She put the fact that he might have meant more by it aside, to deal with later, or never if she had a choice. "He swore an oath to me, and..."

She took a deep breath as she realized she might have to say in front of the entire bridge crew that they had slept together. Not that they had made any promises that night, in fact it would have destroyed their friendship if he had been anything but the man he was, but if she could use that to get him back she would. She still didn't fully understand what the Aikunians meant by a mate, or a bond, but in many cultures a physical relationship could be all that it would take.

"But Captain, what we consider bonding is the equivalent of what you call marriage, and Priestess Inuchan did establish that he was not married." Ambassador Yama gestured helplessly. "Was this in error?"

Kathryn took a deep breath, cursing in her head that that was what they meant by bonding. "How are you certain the two terms are equivalent? What matters is that he has taken an oath…"

The ambassador went on. "The oath he took was to your ship, if I understand your customs and laws correctly, and was the same one that every officer takes. If he had given an oath to you personally, not as an officer of your ship, but in a way I might be able to argue was akin to our bonding, then I might be able to argue that what you call marriage is in fact different from our bonding. He does in fact claim to have given such an oath but the holy one does not believe him, merely claims he is trying to get out of his situation. If you could perhaps corroborate this oath..."

"Yes, he gave an oath to me personally." Kathryn jumped on the statement. And it was true, she realized, although she would have said it even if it wasn't. She could think of numerous occasions when he had sworn to help her or stand by her. A fist clenched around her heart as his voice echoed in her memory telling her that she was not alone.

"If you could perhaps tell us the words he spoke." Yama pushed. "You must understand that the holy one will not simply believe you any more than she did him. He was quite clear that he had made the oath to you and that he wasn't thinking about you as his captain at the time, and he repeated for us the words he had spoken. If you could only repeat them, then we would know he was speaking the truth."

Kathryn's mind whirled. She tried to think of his exact words any of the times he had spoken to her; it wasn't difficult really, as each of those moments were precious memories she revisited when she was feeling her most depressed. But which one of those comforting moments was Chakotay thinking of when he said...

Her thoughts abruptly derailed and she inhaled sharply as the phrase 'wasn't thinking about you as his captain' looped through her thoughts. Although it was true that on many occasions he had been speaking as much as her friend as her first officer, one particular cherished moment jumped to the forefront of her mind and would not leave. She had kept it locked in a corner of her mind for over a year now, because it hurt too much to revisit. But it was the one time she was positive he hadn't been speaking to her as the captain, because for all intents and purposes she hadn't been at the time.

Swallowing the lump in her throat, along with the pain in her heart both at revisiting the memory and the fact the entire bridge crew was about to hear something that should have been extremely private, Kathryn spoke softly, "He said that I was brave, beautiful, and wise, and vowed that he would always stay by my side. He said that he would do whatever he could to make my burdens lighter, and that my needs would always come first."

Ambassador Yama finally smiled. "Those are indeed the words he claimed to have spoken, and as the last line in particular is the heart of our bonding rituals, by our laws you would be considered bonded. I can see from the looks of those around you that this is definitely not something official, and the fact that they show surprise but not disbelief tells me just how personal this was."

Kathryn didn't have to look around to know what looks he was seeing. Tuvok would have his eyebrow raised into his hairline but be otherwise stoic. Harry would either be blushing from embarrassment or staring at her with his mouth hanging open; possibly both. Tom would be smirking, and have a mischievous glint in his eyes as he calculated a new betting pool.

"It was very personal." Kathryn said softly before her command mask returned. "So when do I get him back?"

"If I know our priestesses they have been monitoring this channel and will be preparing to release him." Yama replied with a wry grin. "However, as the person he is bonded with, you must personally go to the temple to retrieve him. If you would transport yourself to my location, I will accompany you."

Kathryn sighed. "I'll be there in a few moments."

"I await your arrival."

Tuvok spoke up as soon as the channel closed, "Captain, I do not like the idea of you going back down to the planet alone."

"And you need to stay here in case something else goes wrong." Kathryn replied as she spun to face him. She knew he would recognize the look on her face and know better than to argue. "Have a security officer meet me in Transporter Room 1."

"That would be acceptable."

Kathryn started to turn away, then frowned as something occurred to her. "Make it Ayala, he's the only security officer other than you who's married. I don't want to get Chakotay out of this just to have another problem."

"A wise precaution, Captain."

Kathryn nodded to him as she strode from the bridge. Relief flowed through her that the solution had been so simple in the end, although she didn't want to think about the fallout from the words that her entire crew would likely be able to repeat verbatim by the time she got back.

She really hoped that getting him back would be as simple as the ambassador made it sound, because she really wasn't sure how much more she could deal with today.

"My apologies once again, Captain Janeway." Ambassador Yama said as soon as she materialized in his office.

"I'm just glad we've gotten this resolved, Ambassador." Kathryn replied. "Although I would like to make sure none of my other people attract the attention of your priestesses."

"There are only a dozen of them, Captain, and all but two are already bonded." Yama explained at once. "The one is much too young, and had it occurred to me that Priestess Inuchan would ever consider an off-worlder, you would have been warned to stay away from the temple. The priestesses never leave it, had your people not been close enough to be called over this would never have happened."

"Naomi thought the statues out front were pretty, she just wanted a closer look." Neelix said apologetically.

"It's okay, Neelix." Kathryn turned to him briefly. "I want you to get in touch with everyone on shore leave, warn them to stay a good distance from the temple. Then contact Tuvok, and make sure everyone going down over the next two days knows as well."

"Of course, Captain." Neelix said at once.

Kathryn turned back to Yama. "Shall we?"

He looked uneasily at Mike Ayala as the man stepped up behind her. "The holy one might decide that if she cannot have one off-worlder she will settle for another."

"I'm already bonded." Mike used the Aikunian word, trying not to let it bristle his pride that the man had said settle. "I have a mate and two children."

"Ah, very good." Yama replied, a smile on his face. "Then let us go."

TBC…


	5. Cracks

Disclaimer: Star Trek Voyager belongs to Paramount, the writers, and whoever else can legally claim it. I am making no profit from this. But I'm getting happier characters and fans.

AN: Thanks to all those who have been reviewing; this story is rather different than my previous ones and it's nice to know what people think. The conversation in the second half of the chapter totally wrote itself, going very differently from what I had planned. And I really liked it; with so many stories out there with them tap-dancing around their feelings, misinterpreting the other's reaction to something, etc… I just really liked the idea of a long, honest, heartfelt, mature conversation. Hope everyone enjoys this last chapter!

* * *

One Last Try

By Lady Callista

_=/\=_

_"I'm so afraid to care about someone. I know it seems like I'm this strong girl who can get through everything, but inside I'm very fragile. I've had so many things thrown at me and each one has only made a crack. What I'm afraid of... is shattering." -unknown_

_=/\=_

Chapter 5: Cracks

=/\=

The temple wasn't far from the government offices, and Kathryn was relieved to discover that it was near the edge of the city, meaning it shouldn't be too hard for her crew to avoid. She took a moment to admire the huge marble statues that ringed the temple, understanding why they had attracted Naomi's attention.

The huge bronze doors opened as they approached, and Kathryn and Mike followed Yama into a huge marble room with a ceiling, supported by pillars, that was easily thirty meters high. It made Kathryn think of the old Greek temples she had seen pictures of.

"Be welcomed by the sheltering arms of Konton." A dais stood in the middle of the room, and the blessing was echoed by each of the women standing there, draped in white robes that again made Kathryn think Greece.

"We know we shall always be safe within the god's embrace." Yama said at once, bowing. Kathryn echoed both the words and the bow, seeing Mike do the same out of the corner of her eye.

Yama held out a hand towards her, and she stepped forward to stand beside him. "This woman comes before you to reclaim the bondmate that was taken from her."

Kathryn blanched at the word bondmate even as one of the priestesses replied, "We regret our error in this matter, we are not accustomed to dealing with those from the stars."

Another of the women rang a large gong that was on the dais with them, and a younger white-robed woman stepped out of a door in the side of the room, Chakotay's hand held firmly in her own as they crossed towards the others. He looked almost bemused for a second before his face went blank.

The young woman led him to stand in front of Kathryn, who noted belatedly that Yama had stepped back. "I am the Lady Inuchan."

"I'm Captain Kathryn Janeway." Kathryn replied, returning the small bow the woman gave to her.

"I apologize for the misunderstanding, Captain Kathryn Janeway." Inuchan said at once, reaching out with her free hand.

Kathryn lifted her hand as if to shake the priestesses, but the young woman simply held her hand for a brief second before raising Chakotay's hand, joining it the Kathryn's, and taking a small step back. "I have touched naught but his hand, and you may now reclaim him as yours."

Kathryn's eyes went wide, and she heard Mike make an uneasy sound behind her, although whether from the words or the hand joining that was so eerily reminiscent of a bride being given away at her wedding she couldn't say. Maybe he was just amused by the whole situation.

"I'm not sure what you mean by that." Kathryn said to Inuchan, regretting the fact that she hadn't thought to ask Yama if there was a ceremony of some kind involved in this. She had simply thought she could walk in and walk back out with him.

"We have heard the words, Captain Kathryn Janeway, so they need not be repeated. But you must show your bond with him before you leave this place." Inuchan replied in a soft voice.

Her eyes got wider. "Show it… how exactly?"

"By joining with him, of course." One of the priestesses up on the dais said. "Word and action must be joined to show your bond is true, as it has even been when a mate is denied to a holy one."

Kathryn heard Mike make a choking sound, and at Chakotay's sharp intake of breath Kathryn looked up into his face, and his eyes which were as astonished as her own. Were they really asking them to do what she thought they were? Here, in front of everybody?

Chakotay got his thoughts together before she could. "In our culture… joining is… is done privately. I would hope that you could show the same respect for our culture that we have shown for yours."

"But joining is a wondrous event, meant to be shared by all." Inuchan said in confusion. "Your culture does not believe in sharing in the joy of mating?"

Kathryn reminded herself to get better information the next time they took shore leave on a planet. "We share the joy of the bond between the couple," She said carefully, "but not of the actual physical joining." She wanted to make sure she was clear. "To us that is a very private matter."

"And you do not say this to hide the fact that you have not truly joined?" There was a hint of suspicion in Inuchan's voice. "I understand now that your definition of this is different than ours, however…"

"We can show you our laws, if you wish." Chakotay interjected, wondering if there was actually a rule anywhere about not making love in public. It was one of those things that was just known and understood by everyone without being said. "Or any of our people can confirm it."

"But you have joined?" Inuchan pushed.

Chakotay's eyes shot to Mike for a second, who was doing his very best to keep a straight face, then looked back down to Kathryn. He didn't know what would happen if they lied and said no, but he knew that if he told the truth it would be all over the ship five minutes after they got back. And he still didn't know what Kathryn had had to say, or who had heard, to convince the Aikunians that they were bonded in the first place.

"Yes." Kathryn said softly, wondering if Mike would think it was a lie to ensure Chakotay's return. She had seen Chakotay glance at Mike before looking to her, knowing that the answer to this had to be her choice. She would have lied if she had needed to, but wondered if the truth would be evident in her voice. "Yes, we have."

Inuchan simply nodded, apparently between the looks on their faces and the ring of truth to the words she believed them. "Do you have a form of expressing your bond publicly that is acceptable within your culture?"

Chakotay's eyes heated briefly, and Kathryn didn't know what he, or she for that matter, would have said, because Mike took that moment to chime in, "We kiss."

Her heartbeat accelerated even as she felt Chakotay grip her hand more tightly. It was actually a completely appropriate answer, and Kathryn found herself wondering if Mike thought that her words had been true, in which case this shouldn't bother them, or false, but that a kiss was certainly better than the alternative.

The funny thing was that she would have had an easier time kissing him a week before, when all her walls were firmly in place and it would have just been an act to save a fellow crewmember. Now it would be a reminder of something she had been valiantly trying to force herself to accept she couldn't have again.

"If that is your way, it will be acceptable."

Kathryn barely heard the words, her eyes locked on Chakotay's as he took a small step to bring their bodies together, his hand sliding around to the small of her back as he raised the other to her cheek. And although he knew he was pushing his luck, he couldn't resist the opportunity presented to say softly, "I love you," before he closed the distance between their lips.

Kathryn's mind was reeling from the look that had been in his eyes when he whispered the words. She knew he was taking advantage of the situation, and the intensity she saw on his face made her wonder how she had ever convinced herself that he was willing to be just her friend.

Before her mind could worry about the consequences, her body responded to the desire in his gaze and she found her arms winding around his neck as their lips met in a tender yet passionate kiss.

=/\=

Chakotay gave her space as they left the temple, asking casually if she wanted him to return to Voyager to write up a report, or if he should stay on leave.

Kathryn told him to stay on the planet if he wanted, and was grateful when he decided to do just that. They both needed time to settle down.

She hoped that the casualness of their interactions now would make Mike think that their words and actions while in the temple had only been a front in order to ensure Chakotay's release. She knew anything she said on the matter would only make things worse.

Mike didn't comment on it as they returned to the ship, but she could only imagine what he was thinking and how the story would spread among the crew.

Kathryn went to the bridge briefly once she was back on _Voyager_, checking in with Tuvok and making sure everyone had been told to give the temple a wise berth. She glossed over the events in the temple, simply saying that Chakotay had been released, which was also all she wrote in her report.

Then she fled to Engineering, throwing herself into work that would hopefully leave her no time to think. She could still taste his kiss, and knew her willpower was shakier than ever.

=/\=

It was nearly 2100 hours and Kathryn was in her quarters, failing to relax or to concentrate on her book, when her door chime rang. Knowing who it would be, and what he wanted, she almost didn't answer the chime. But she knew that wouldn't solve anything. "Enter."

Chakotay entered just far enough for the door to close behind him. "I'm sorry."

Kathryn's eyes widened in surprise as she set her book on the table. "For what?" She gestured for him to have a seat, and she saw him hesitate before crossing the room.

"I pushed you this afternoon, after I promised that I wouldn't." He said softly as he sat beside her on the couch, putting more distance between them then normal.

"You never said you wouldn't push, you said that you would accept us… us making love as a moment we both needed and nothing more, if that was what I wanted." Kathryn said softly, noting how guarded his eyes were. "You never said you would stop trying to convince me that we should be more."

"I saw your face after we… after I kissed you." He said, and she could hear regret in his voice. "I don't mind making you a little flustered, or nervous even, but I never intended to hurt you."

"It hurts because I want it too." She admitted before she could think better of speaking her heart. "But it's like wishing we'd make it back to Earth tomorrow. It's wanting something I can't have. And you shouldn't be apologizing to me; I've hurt you too and I'm sorry."

His heart soared at her first admission, then clenched at her second. It was the second time she had admitted with words that she wanted him, and the first time she had acknowledged that she knew her actions had hurt him and apologized. His instinct to push her, both with the kiss and his words of love, had actually not backfired.

He had expected her to close off again after what had happened, and had cursed himself for not being able to keep things light when he kissed her. It was what had sent him back to the ship, needing desperately to be sure that he hadn't completely ruined his plan of taking things slowly by taking advantage of the opportunity to kiss her again.

But he had also come about to the realization that if he didn't push her a little, he was never going to get anywhere. He might hurt her a little now by forcing the issue, but this was a conversation they had to have. Chakotay knew that he couldn't let her run away any more, from him or from her own feelings.

He was terribly afraid that he would come to hate her if he continued to allow her to call all the shots.

So he took a chance and made up his mind to finally lay all of his cards on the table, hoping she was going to stay in such an honest mood. "I have three questions I want you to answer."

The corner of her mouth tipped up even as her eyebrow rose. "Three?"

Chakotay slid a little closer to her, reaching out hesitantly, taking a deep breath of relief when she took his hand. "We need to clear everything up. We… we need to either act on what's between us, or agree to let it go once and for all. It's killing both of us to constantly have this tension between us."

She nodded slowly, wondering why she suddenly felt so bereft. This was what she herself had wanted, for him to agree that they could only be friends. She felt nerves flutter in her stomach at the thought of what his questions might be however, worried that he wouldn't be willing to end their dance unless he thought he had a good chance of it going his way.

He mistook the meaning of the nervousness on her face, and said gently, "No matter what happens, I won't let this change our command structure, or our friendship. But I can't go on like this."

"Agreed." She said softly. "We need to think of something first though, what about the crew? Do you know if rumors are flying yet?"

Chakotay chuckled. "I talked to B'Elanna before coming here for that very reason. Apparently Mike isn't talking. He's telling anyone who wants to know what happened down there to read your report."

"Think he's bucking for a promotion?" She managed to chuckle, grateful for the momentary break in the tension. She needed a minute to prepare herself for whatever questions he was going to ask.

Chakotay shook his head. "He's just a good guy. I would have trusted most of my crew with my life, but him and B'Elanna I would have trusted with my closest secrets as well."

"That's good to know." Kathryn said softly. "One of the hardest things about being captain, especially out here, has to be the lack of privacy."

"B'Elanna did say that everyone's talking about your talk with Ambassador Yama before you came down to get me." Chakotay added, his cheeks flushing slightly. "He made you repeat my promise to you, didn't he?"

She nodded, rising nervously and walking over to the replicator. "Wine?"

He nodded his agreement, curious as he watched her wring her hands apprehensively. He didn't have to wait long to hear what she was thinking.

"I'm sorry." Kathryn whispered as she set two glasses of red wine on the table. "Yama said the priestess didn't believe you, and thought that you were trying to get around the law. But if I could repeat the words, then they would know they were true, that they had actually been said. If I had known I would have taken the conversation privately… no one else had a right to hear those words."

He looked down for a moment, understanding the intensity in her voice. She knew he valued what little privacy he had just as much as she did, and he could tell she felt she had betrayed him by repeating his very personal words. In truth it did bother him a little, knowing that the entire bridge crew had heard words he had intended only for her, but he understood that the circumstances hadn't left her any choice. Amazement actually covered any other reaction, but he managed to keep his voice light as he said, "I'm actually surprised you remembered them. I hoped you would, it seemed like that was the best chance for a diplomatic solution, but…"

She smiled softly, and this time she was the one who reached out to take his hand. "I could never forget those words." She took a deep breath then, squeezing his hand before releasing it to pick up her wine, twirling the stem nervously for a second before saying, "Ask your questions, I promise to answer them."

Chakotay took a deep breath, picking up his wine and drinking to wet his suddenly dry throat. This was it. He had said that after this talk, after they got everything out, they would decide for all time on their relationship. This was his final chance, the last one he would get to try and make her see that things could work out between them. He knew what his first two questions were going to be, but the last one would depend on her answers.

She was looking into the depths of her glass rather than at him, but knowing how much strength it had taken for her to agree to this conversation at all, he let that go for the moment. "Are our positions on _Voyager_ the only reason you think we shouldn't be in a relationship?"

Kathryn took a deep breath, trying to steady her suddenly shaking hands. She was desperately afraid that the questions would only get harder, and for him to have started there she was afraid she knew where he was going. She should have realized he knew her well enough to suspect she was hiding something. Finally, she said softly, "No, it's not the only reason."

She expected him to immediately ask what the reason was, but out of the corner of her eye she saw him nod and let out a deep sigh, as if he had actually known that and only wanted confirmation. His voice was tender when he said, "Look at me, please."

Kathryn set her wine glass on the table, turning her body to face him even as she tilted her head up to meet his eyes. She didn't realize her hands were still trembling, or ice cold, until his closed gently over them.

Chakotay almost hated to ask this question, because much like the first he was almost certain he knew the answer, but he needed to hear her say it out loud. He didn't know if it would give him comfort or cause him pain if they did end up being only friends, which he acknowledged as a possibility as much as he dreaded it. But he had to ask, and he had to be looking into her eyes when he did.

"Do you love me?"

Chakotay saw the answer in her eyes before they slid shut, a single tear trailing out of the corner of one of them. He also saw the other thing he had been looking for, something he had thought he glimpsed before but hadn't been able to believe. He reached up to tenderly wipe the lone tear away, and her eyes snapped open as his fingers trailed a caress over her cheek.

"Yes." She said as her breath hitched, and knowing what the words would mean to him she repeated more strongly, "Yes, Chakotay, I love you."

It was his turn to close his eyes as the words wrapped around his heart. His grip on her hand tightened, and he took only a few seconds to bask in the feeling before meeting her eyes again and whispering his final question. "Why does that terrify you?"

He saw the tears gather in her eyes, and for a split second he saw her hesitation in answering. The tears trailed down her cheeks, and her voice was a broken whisper when she responded, "Because I had said I love you to three men in my life, and I lost all of them. My father and Justin both died, and now Mark is gone. I didn't want to love you. I didn't want to let myself love someone again, because I don't know if I could deal with losing another person I love."

"Kathryn." She said her name like a prayer as she let herself collapse against his chest, and his arms came around her as she once again cried in his arms. But this time it was such a different kind of pain.

Her voice was still broken by tears, and her arms wrapped around his back, hands fisting in his shirt. "It sounds so dumb when I say it out loud, but it was almost like by loving you I was guaranteeing I would lose you. Like somehow my loving you would cause your death. And I couldn't bear that: I can't be without you."

"That's what you were so afraid of?" Chakotay marveled as his hand stroked calmingly over her back.

"Every crewmember we've lost has hurt. And I feel so guilty, because it's all my fault." Kathryn whispered. "And by letting myself love you, by doing everything I can to make sure I don't lose you, I'm afraid I'll start making bad decisions, losing other people because I can't stand to lose you."

"It's not all your fault." Chakotay whispered into her hair even as he trailed his fingers through it soothingly. "No more so than it is any captain's. Every crew is going to lose people, we all know the risks when we sign up. And I don't believe you would sacrifice other people to save me. We both know how to make hard decisions when we have to."

She pulled back enough to look into his eyes. "But I can't win here, Chakotay. It… It's like this is my Kobayashi Maru. It would break something inside me if a decision I made to save you cost other lives. But it would break something completely different if I lost you."

His heart almost broke at the pain in her voice. "I can't promise you won't lose me someday, Kathryn, no one can promise that." He looked deeply into her eyes, gently wiping her tears away. "Either one of us could die tomorrow. But we could also die fifty-years from now, regretting what might have been. I've never loved anyone like I love you, and I remember with crystal clarity how much it hurt when I almost lost you last year. When you almost died in my arms. But the idea of walking away from you now hurts even more."

"I've loved you for… for I don't even know how long. But I told myself I didn't. Then I tried to tell myself you didn't love me. I buried the story you had told me, buried the memories of the look in your eyes, and tried to tell myself that you didn't love me anymore, that you'd gotten over it so I had to as well. I buried it so deep, tried to make myself not love you." Kathryn confessed, still looking into his eyes. "But I can't stop. I can't stop loving you, I just don't know how I can do it either."

"We can figure it out together." He said softly, cupping her cheek in his hand. "Please don't turn away from me now. I know it'll be hard for you, it will for me too, but I believe we can do this. I believe in you."

"You always have." She whispered as she tilted her cheek into his caress. "I love you so much, and I know you love me. I can't hide from it anymore. Thank you for not letting me hide anymore."

She was still scared, that wasn't going to go away in an instant. But she knew he was right. It would hurt more to turn away from all that they could have. They would just have to deal with the fallout together, the same way they had dealt with everything else the Delta Quadrant had thrown at them.

Chakotay's dimples flashed as he raised his other hand to her face as well. "It was my pleasure."

She smiled back, hands coming up to cover his own as their lips met in a gentle kiss.

It didn't stay gentle for long.

_=/\=_

"_When everything went wrong , together we were strong, I know that I belonged right here with you. Through the years I never had a doubt we'd always work things out. I've learned what love's about by loving you through the years" -Kenny Rogers_

_=/\=_

=/\=

FIN

* * *

AN2: So, what to write next... Other than the rest of the 25 Moments obviously...


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